Shopping centre weirdness

Southern Daily Echo: Shopping centre says it has found a way to protect customers from aggressive seagulls

Welcome to Southampton. Those aren't masks.

Spotter's Badge: Darren

UFO question to which the answer is NO

Grimsby Telegraph: Was there a UFO in Lincolnshire, just near the fast-jet RAF station?

No.

Sex toy weirdness

Bexley News Shopper: Woman is a professional sex toy tester

Unforntunately, she works in a large insurance office, so awkward.

Spotter's Badge: Neil

Bad E-Fit

Ealing Today: This man has done bad things

Such as appearing on the picture cover of an early-80s post-punk 7-incher

Don't have nightmares.

How the mighty fall weirdness

Northampton Chronicle: David van Day out of Dollar performs at care home

Everybody in this picture doesn't want to be there

Spotter's Badge: Mike

Egggggg weirdness

Cheddar Valley Gazette: Cheddar plagued by phantom drive-by eggers

Makes a change from the usual drive-by cheesing

Spotter's Badge: The Quirker

Ginger hate crime weirdness

North Devon Journal: If you're going to be ging-ist as least learn to spell

It's also largely untrue. Some of my best friends are strawberry blond.

Angry seagull weirdness

Bridgwater Mercury: Stop calling the police over seagulls, say police

Spotter's guide. A seagull is a large white bird (above). A criminal is not (below)

Alles klar? Good.

Dog stuck in pram weirdness

Wiltshire Times: Labrador rescued after getting stuck in pram

Picture is unrelated. The article only had a generic shot, so I Googled "Labrador pram". Why he's looking for a pram up a dog's arse is anybody's question, but that's dog shows for you.

Nissan Micra weirdness

Scunthorpe Telegraph: Pensioner clocked doing 100mph in a one-litre Nissan Micra

I checked. This particular model has a top speed of 96mph, so well done that man.

Spotter's Badge: The Quirker

Sausage beauty queen weirdness

Coastal Scene 24: [Actual headline] Miss Teen Suffolk to be official face of Framlingham SausageFest 2015

[Insert sexual innuendo here]

More big cat weirdness

Braintree and Witham Times: Woman claims to have seen panther in Essex

Tattoo. Confirmation bias. That is all.

Spotter's Badge: Simon

Machete and Cider Weirdness

Derbyshire Times: Man found wielding machete was trying to make a Bear Grylls-type TV programme called 'Naked and Alone'

The full name of his proposed programme was "Naked and Alone and Eating Ice Cream Straight Out Of The Tub Because The Girl At The Chip Shop Ignored Me Again Oh God I'm So Lonely"

Picked up by ITV Be.

Spotter's Badge: Kerry

Drink Drive Weirdness

Scarborough UK: Man arrested for drink-driving after trying to inflate tyres with a vacuum cleaner

Seriously kids, don't do it. If you're pissed, use a foot-pump.

Estate Agent Weirdness

Fleet News and Mail: Estate agent turns to Game of Thrones for publicity

Because murder, revenge, war and incest can only improve the reputation of their profession.

Big Cat Question To Which The Answer Is NO

Get Reading: Are there wild cats loose in Berkshire?

No.

They're all in Hampshire.

Expert in the bleedin' obvious weirdness

South Wales Evening Post: Odour expert detects smell of fish near a fish market

Jolly well done.

Big Cat Weirdness

Essex Chronicle: Woman forced to flee for her LIFE from PANTHER*

*A normal-sized cat.

Weird noise weirdness

Norwich Evening News: Residents puzzled by loud noise in the early hours

Yeah, that'll be the bin lorry backing up. Or aliens.

Spotter's Badge: Dave

The bad e-fit motherlode

Ipswich Star: The best of bad e-fits - Essex and Suffolk edition

This is what happens if you splice Ian Beale and Freddie Mercury together.

Don't have nightmares.

Unpleasant supermarket weirdness

Burton Mail: CCTV image of suspect in weeing on potato crisps incident released

That's put me right off salt and vinegar

Spotter's Badge: Simon

Bad e-fit angry person double bill

Herts and Essex Observer: This man has done some bad things

A bad e-fit AND an angry person. What a double whammy.

Don't have nightmares.

Stuck cow weirdness

Plymouth Herald: Cow. Head. Tree.

Always a crowd-pleaser.

Spotter's Badge: Joe

ISIS weirdness

Oxford Mail: ISIS Electricians aren't going to change their name

Don't blame him - strong brand recognition, there.

Spotter's Badge: Duncan

Rubbish vigilante weirdness

Coventry Telegraph: "The Renegade" has yet to solve a single crime

That's because he can't see out of his steamed-up visor.

Spotter's Badge: Rob R

Jamie Oliver weirdness

Norwich Evening News: It's raining maggots at fat tongue's restaurant

Don't worry, it's just a new hor d'oeuvres spawning.

Spotter's Badge: Dave

Late night gardener weirdness

Bournemouth Echo: Police helicopter called out to people working in their garden

Well done. Well done everybody.

My Little Pony weirdness

Liverpool Echo: My Little Pony convention is OFF

Just look at the disappointment on the lad's face. He's crushed.

Spotter's Badge: Mal