Star Wars Jedi Master weirdness

Colchester Gazette: Self-styled Jedi Obi-Mark Kenobi hauled before the beak for trying to clear Clacton of the Dark Side by chasing people with a shovel. Guilty as charged

"Your father's shovel. This is the weapon of a Jedi Knight. Not as clumsy or random as a hedge trimmer."

Spotter's Badge: Steve

Touching up the dummies weirdness

Manchester Evening News: Man strips, starts feeling up the dummies in sports shop

Also, the mannequins.

Spotter's Badge: Charlotte

Lost and found snake weirdness

The Newsletter ("The Pride of Northern Ireland"): Snake found on street in Ballymena

Did St Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland for nothing?

Spotter's Badge: Billy

Lost bong weirdness

Hartlepool Mail: Man arrested after asking police to get his drugs bong back

The picture of the gavel is captioned "gavel" in case people think it's a bong. Judges don't use gavels.

Spotter's Badge: Andrew

MP's tortoise weirdness

Essex Echo: Southend MP want the government to intervene so he can bring his pet tortoise back from Cyprus

Important issues for Southend residents, there.

Spotter's Badge: Cora

Posh toilet weirdness

The NT News: Boatie invents luxury on-board toilet for the ladies

Believe you me, that's top-end comfort in that part of the world.

Cat poo weirdness

Swindon Advertiser: Man smears poo on cat, runs away

Police are looking for a man with brown fingers.

Spotter's Badge: Tanya

Escaped primate weirdness

Kent Online: Monkey on the loose in Kent

But of course.

Spotter's Badge: Heidi

Angry turkey weirdness

Lancashire Telegraph: Turkey saved from the chop after escaping three times

That is one angry turkey. He'd have your face off given half a chance.

Spotter's Badge: Karen

Very short joyride weirdness

John O'Groats Journal: Thieves steal van, leave it just up the road

Beats walking, I suppose.

Spotter's Badge: Gordon

Reindeer on the loose weirdness

Nottingham Post: Escaped reindeer runs amok around Nottingham

It's lucky to be alive, they would have skinned it for clothes and eaten it.

Spotter's Badge: Marjorie

Sex party weirdness

Lancashire Evening Post: It happens to all of us. You go to a sex party, you can't find your trousers, so you just have to beat up the host instead and drive off in a drunken haze wearing nothing but a T-shirt

You do NOT want to see the bottom half of the photo.

Spotter's Badge: Mick

Dead rat on a string weirdness

Peterborough Telegraph: Man tries to convince his pet owl to come home through the means of a dead rat on a piece of string

And...

Peterborough Telegraph: Success!

Spotter's Badge: Felicity

Santa's Grotto weirdness

Great Yarmouth Mercury: Santa's grotto for dogs

There's not much to do in Great Yarmouth, you know, not since the waxworks closed.

Spotter's Badge: Dave

Shoe fetish weirdness

Exeter Express and Echo: Teenager told to seek help over his shoe fetish or face jail

"The owner of the shoes was so disgusted she told police she never wanted to see them again"

Can I have them? Asking for a friend.

UFO over Eastbourne weirdness

Eastbourne Gazette: UFO was like the Starship Enterprise, says Sussex pensioner

What you saw, sir, was marsh gas reflecting off the planet Venus. Kindly look into this red light on the end of my pen.

Mouldy fire engine weirdness

Falmouth Packet: Local 'character' tries to move his clapped-out fire engine with DVLA wheel clamp attached

It was - of course - all the DVLA's fault for clamping the thing for having no tax, no MOT and being clapped-out on a public road.

Nanny McPhee rendered in the medium of mould weirdness

Doncaster Free Press: Local man makes eye contact with the Doncaster Free Press, invites them in to see his collection of fictional characters rendered in mould on his wall

Nope. Got nothing, not even Jesus or Mary who are the default setting for this things.

Nazis invade Somerset weirdness

Wells Journal: Nazi troops on the streets of Wells

THATCHER'S BRITAIN

Spotter's Badge: Marjorie

Dancing woman weirdness

Bury Free Press: Woman dancing in the road outside multi-storey car park holds up traffic

Nine in the morning is a bit early for that kind of thing. Totally uncalled for.

Bad E-fit

Bognor Regis Observer: Woman punched Wolverine so hard in the face she broke her fingers

Punching people in the face tip: Never us a closed fist, always the ball of the palm with a straight arm right into the nose. You're welcome.

Don't have nightmares.

Spotter's Badge: Jay

Disappearing wheelie bin weirdness

Exeter Express and Echo: The disappearance and eventual return of pensioner's wheelie bin described in eye-watering detail

TL;DR version: Bin disappears. Bin comes back.

Bad e-fit

Bridgwater Mercury: This man has done some bad things

...mostly to do with the use of eye-liner.

Don't have nightmares.

Spotter's Badge: Rob J

Cow on the roof weirdness

Halifax Courier: Cow ends up on roof terrace

I expect you're wondering how it go up there. By ladder, DUH.

Spotter's Badge: Ian, Paul

Normal for Norfolk weirdness

Eastern Daily Press: Weird creature identified

It's Mad Joshua's cousin, Mad Joshua.

Spotter's Badge: Dave

Rubbish Christmas Lights Weirdness

Exeter Express and Echo: Tiverton's Christmas lights look like underpants

Oh, well done everybody.

Spotter's Badge: Mike

Swimming poo weirdness

Farnborough News and Mail: Windy day gives shop excellent new name

Spotter's Badge: Christina

Wheelie bin weirdness

London Evening Standard: Protesters barricade council leader's house with wheelie bins

Top marks for inventiveness, but lose a few for not filling them with turds.

Spotter's Badge: Jules

Frighteningly good e-fit

Fleet News and Mail: This man flashed his willy at a teenage girl in a park in Fleet

All well and good, except, I live in Fleet and look like this:

I've burned my hoodie, and I've got a cast-iron alibi.

Don't have nightmares

Yoga weirdness

Brighton Argus: Punches thrown as yoga gurus fight in late night brawl

"No, I'm more zen than you"

*BIFF!*

"No, I'm far closer to nirvana than you'll ever be"

*SMACK!*

Beast of Bolton weirdness

Bolton News: Man claims to have seen the dreaded Beast of Bolton

No, mate. What you saw was this:

Spotter's Badge: Karen

Rubbish Ninja weirdness

Lancashire Telegraph: 'Ninja carrying a gun' turns out to be Star Wars cosplayer on a charity walk

Guns in public = a telling-off from the police, or - at worst - a new hole in your head. Don't be an arsehole.

Spotter's Badge: Karen

Lifeboat weirdness

Bournemouth Echo: 'Body in water' turns out to be fishing buoy

Whoops.

Sausage award that looks a lot like a man's pecker weirdness

You're a world-famous chef. You've got two Michelin stars for your gourmet restaurant. So what do you do if you're Michel Roux Jr? You hand out sausage awards that look exactly like a penis, that's what.

East Devon Midweek Herald: Sausage Award!

West Briton: Sausage award!

Berwick Advertiser: Sausage Award!

Colchester Gazette: Sausage Award!

Cumbria Crack: Sausage Award!

Market Rasen Mail: Sausage Award!

Southport Visitor: Sausage Award!

And, of course, there's always one that doesn't need to glad-hand Michel Roux

RJ Balson and Son: Sausage Award!

Still, nothing will ever beat the famous glass cock golf trophy.

Toilet door weirdness

Mid-Devon Gazette: Council getting peeved at people locking toilet doors and climbing out over the top of the cubicle

This story features an insanely detailed photo gallery of the inside of public toilets in Tiverton. Niche interest, purely for the Google optimisation, I should imagine.

Haunted house weirdness

Grimsby Telegraph: Grimsby family says their house is very very very haunted

Call me a skeptic, but this comes just a couple of weeks after Most Haunted visited a very very very haunted semi-detached recently. Naaaaaaah.

Spotter's Badge: Ash

Noel Edmonds weirdness

Western Daily Press: Face of Noel Edmonds appears in lamp

Burn it! Destroy it with fire and sticks!

Bad E-fit

Colchester Gazette: This man has done some bad things

Most of them involving make-up, it has to be said.

Don't have nightmares.

Bigfoot question to which the answer is NO

West Sussex County Times: Has Bigfoot been spotted in Sussex?

No. No he hasn't.

Littlehampton Gazette: And the inevitable, disappointing conclusion

Spotter's Badge: Cliff, Richard <===== Heh.